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" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
Steven Wright
Bad
Clear
Sign
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" Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' "
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Wish
Bed
Death
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
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Face
School
Teacher
" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
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Caught
Year
Line
" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "
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Help
Traffic
Universe
" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
Steven Wright
Down
Situation
My Life
" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "
Steven Wright
Ran
Down
Street
" So, do you live around here often? "
Steven Wright
You
Around
Here
" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "
Steven Wright
Head
People
Reflection
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
Steven Wright
Comedy
Doing
Looks
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
Steven Wright
Me
Time
Mother
" To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. "
Steven Wright
Just
Life
Me
" I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. "
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Need
Know
I Can
" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? "
Steven Wright
Employees
Coffee
Take
" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "
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Find
Get
Going
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
Steven Wright
Home
Car
Message
" I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "
Steven Wright
Other
Museums
Museum
" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "
Steven Wright
Work
You
Better
" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "
Steven Wright
Fun
Experience
Live
" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "
Steven Wright
Evolution
Theory
Adopted
" I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' "
Steven Wright
Bank
Money
Going
" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "
Steven Wright
Because
You
Me
" If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. "
Steven Wright
Use
Parts
Had
" I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. "
Steven Wright
Been
Like
Selling
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
Steven Wright
Dead
End
Got
" To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. "
Steven Wright
Know
Audience
Everything
" George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. "
Steven Wright
School
Know
Home
" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "
Steven Wright
Life
You
Road
" If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? "
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Going
You
Would
" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "
Steven Wright
Simple
Chain
Dollar
" All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. "
Steven Wright
Hand
Who
Those