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" A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.' "
Jon Stewart
Expression
You
Insult
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" I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. "
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" I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. "
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" Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. "
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" You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. "
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" I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "
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" If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. "
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" We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. "
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Problem
Smoking
Looking
" I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. "
Jon Stewart
Feelings
Like
Toy
" I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. "
Jon Stewart
Two
Late-Night
Ride
" If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets. "
Jon Stewart
Satire
You
Streets
" Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. "
Jon Stewart
Lost
Conservative
America
" I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. "
Jon Stewart
Care
Gives
About
" I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. "
Jon Stewart
House
Everyone
Thanksgiving
" I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. "
Jon Stewart
Movies
Actor
I Can
" If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. "
Jon Stewart
Away
American
Liberty
" The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. "
Jon Stewart
Legal
Supreme Court
Ride
" More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. "
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Touch
New
Giving
" Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. "
Jon Stewart
Year
Will
Only
" There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! "
Jon Stewart
You
Comedy
Live
" Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. "
Jon Stewart
Know
Army
You
" I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm. "
Jon Stewart
Awards
Charm
Time
" Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. "
Jon Stewart
Group
President
Rest
" I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. "
Jon Stewart
Want
Work
Proud
" Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work? "
Jon Stewart
Action
Need
Work
" If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime. "
Jon Stewart
Joke
Your
Enough
" Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? "
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Smart
Why
You
" Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. "
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You
Someone
Great
" The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. "
Jon Stewart
Just
Notes
World
" If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. "
Jon Stewart
You
Your
Being
" McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. "
Jon Stewart
Him
Lawyer
Done