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" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "
Mitch Hedberg
Stocking
Foot
Severed
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" Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. "
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" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "
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" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "
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" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
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" The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
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" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "
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" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
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" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "
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" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "
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" People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. "
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" I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. "
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" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
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Me
Funny
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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "
Mitch Hedberg
Really
Cool
Hippopotamus
" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
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Back
" I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. "
Mitch Hedberg
Cake
Birthday
Buy
" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs
Push
Forever
" My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' "
Mitch Hedberg
Want
Banana
Friend
" I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. "
Mitch Hedberg
Day
Remember
Used
" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "
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Against
Show
Know
" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "
Mitch Hedberg
Like
Waffle
Trap
" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "
Mitch Hedberg
Say
Planet
Time
" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "
Mitch Hedberg
Fun
Candy
You
" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "
Mitch Hedberg
Brain
Free
Me
" This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. "
Mitch Hedberg
Dry
Clean
Which
" I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "
Mitch Hedberg
I Wish
Better
Now
" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "
Mitch Hedberg
Ask
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Dreams
" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
Mitch Hedberg
Type
Any
Fingers
" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "
Mitch Hedberg
Long
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" My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
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Halfway
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Never
" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
Mitch Hedberg
Lift
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Once