Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. "
Erma Bombeck
Up
Try
Keep
Related Quotes:
" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
Erma Bombeck
Fame
Confuse
Success
" A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. "
Erma Bombeck
You
Friend
Tell
" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "
Erma Bombeck
Mother
Infinite
White
" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
Erma Bombeck
Wrong
Mom
Know
" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "
Erma Bombeck
Food
Like
Politics
" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "
Erma Bombeck
Breathing
Jogging
Only
" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "
Erma Bombeck
Call
Nothing
Child
" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
Erma Bombeck
Any
Accent
Woman
" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "
Erma Bombeck
Followed
Fitness
Them
" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "
Erma Bombeck
Never
One Thing
Out
" I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. "
Erma Bombeck
My Life
Lunch
Life
" Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. "
Erma Bombeck
School
Graduation
High School
" Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
Erma Bombeck
Dreams
Dreamers
Why
" In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "
Erma Bombeck
Charm
Lost
Bracelet
" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
Erma Bombeck
Go
Bad
Leave
" My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. "
Erma Bombeck
Favorite
Top
Second
" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "
Erma Bombeck
Talent
Hope
End
" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "
Erma Bombeck
View
Time
Raising Children
" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "
Erma Bombeck
You
Want
Mother
" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "
Erma Bombeck
Fire
Door
Smell
" Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
Erma Bombeck
Home
Hurt
Work
" There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. "
Erma Bombeck
World
More
Look
" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
Erma Bombeck
Your Dreams
Someone
Dreams
" Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
Erma Bombeck
Keeps
Gift
Giving
" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "
Erma Bombeck
You
Because
Diet
" Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
Erma Bombeck
Sometimes
Out
Design
" I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. "
Erma Bombeck
Young
Security
Old
" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "
Erma Bombeck
Most
Off
Until
" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
Erma Bombeck
Never
Drink
Accept
" One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "
Erma Bombeck
Rest
Child
Hat