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" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
Emo Philips
Door
Next
Kid
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" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "
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" James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. "
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" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "
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" From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. "
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" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "
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" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "
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" I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in 'Morning Glory' with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone. "
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" I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' "
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" As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. "
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" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "
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" Cure for an obsession: get another one. "
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" I know that I'm going to die and that you're going to die. I can't do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure. "
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" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "
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" People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. "
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