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" I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act. "
Jen Kirkman
Trying
Working
Opening
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" Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip. "
Jen Kirkman
Day
Daughter
Great
" By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died. "
Jen Kirkman
Started
Time
Scene
" Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch. "
Jen Kirkman
Education
Community
College
" Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool. "
Jen Kirkman
Parenthood
Face
Pool
" I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me. "
Jen Kirkman
Memories
Love
Good
" I'm not a big fan of young people. "
Jen Kirkman
Young
Young People
Fan
" Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue. "
Jen Kirkman
Questions
Asking Questions
Business
" What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types. "
Jen Kirkman
Comedy
Place
People
" I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves. "
Jen Kirkman
Doing
Feeling
Good
" A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids. "
Jen Kirkman
Down
Settle
Relationships
" I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously. "
Jen Kirkman
Respect
Love
Myself
" Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine. "
Jen Kirkman
Going
Your
Magazine
" Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control. "
Jen Kirkman
Birth
Friends
Beach
" There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan. "
Jen Kirkman
Learn
Window
Heart
" Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license. "
Jen Kirkman
Way
Losing
Passport
" As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids. "
Jen Kirkman
Age
Woman
Will
" I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation. "
Jen Kirkman
Humor
Home
Life
" We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.' "
Jen Kirkman
Laugh
Women
Guy
" Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business. "
Jen Kirkman
Show Business
Show
Me
" Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first. "
Jen Kirkman
Think
Need
Mothers
" At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family. "
Jen Kirkman
Now
Happy
Family
" People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women. "
Jen Kirkman
Think
Perspective
People
" The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child. "
Jen Kirkman
People
Most
Feel
" I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A. "
Jen Kirkman
Like
Take
You