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" If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. "
Erma Bombeck
Man
Three
Watches
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" My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. "
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Always
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You
" Never have more children than you have car windows. "
Erma Bombeck
Funny
Car
Windows
" Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "
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Me
Say
Our
" When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. "
Erma Bombeck
Talent
Hope
End
" A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. "
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She
Know
You
" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
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Wrong
Mom
Know
" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "
Erma Bombeck
View
Time
Raising Children
" There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. "
Erma Bombeck
Water
Mother
Only
" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "
Erma Bombeck
Human Mind
Facts
Human
" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "
Erma Bombeck
Hair
You
Stop
" For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. "
Erma Bombeck
Easy
Some
Than
" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "
Erma Bombeck
Start
Suicide
Seriously
" It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. "
Erma Bombeck
Windows
Car
Children
" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
Erma Bombeck
Never
Drink
Accept
" Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? "
Erma Bombeck
Carousel
Luggage
Never
" When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "
Erma Bombeck
Call
Nothing
Child
" Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. "
Erma Bombeck
Mother
Infinite
White
" God created man, but I could do better. "
Erma Bombeck
Could
Created
God
" There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. "
Erma Bombeck
World
Christmas
Awake
" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "
Erma Bombeck
Terrible
Die
Got
" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "
Erma Bombeck
Time
Home
Job
" Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. "
Erma Bombeck
Prepare
Take
Thanksgiving
" Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. "
Erma Bombeck
Admit
People
Parents
" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "
Erma Bombeck
Never
One Thing
Out
" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "
Erma Bombeck
Medical
Hospital
Club
" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
Erma Bombeck
Children
White
Test
" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "
Erma Bombeck
Breathing
Jogging
Only
" When humor goes, there goes civilization. "
Erma Bombeck
Goes
Humor
Civilization
" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "
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You
Right
Will
" It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
Erma Bombeck
Your Dreams
Someone
Dreams