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" If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
Erma Bombeck
You
Laugh
Make
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" Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. "
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" What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? "
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You
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" Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. "
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" There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. "
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" I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "
Erma Bombeck
Human Mind
Facts
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" Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "
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Most
Off
Until
" I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. "
Erma Bombeck
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Me
Up
" Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "
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Right
Will
" Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. "
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Medical
Hospital
Club
" Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
Erma Bombeck
Fame
Confuse
Success
" When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. "
Erma Bombeck
You
Want
Mother
" God created man, but I could do better. "
Erma Bombeck
Could
Created
God
" I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "
Erma Bombeck
Followed
Fitness
Them
" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
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Children
White
Test
" Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. "
Erma Bombeck
Start
Suicide
Seriously
" There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. "
Erma Bombeck
Never
One Thing
Out
" In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "
Erma Bombeck
Anything
Children
Eat
" Never order food in excess of your body weight. "
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Your Body
Body
Food
" For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. "
Erma Bombeck
Time
Home
Job
" House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. "
Erma Bombeck
Go
Bad
Leave
" I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. "
Erma Bombeck
Terrible
Die
Got
" I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
Erma Bombeck
Any
Accent
Woman
" On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. "
Erma Bombeck
Sand
Sunny
Out
" I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "
Erma Bombeck
Gravy
Where
Food
" My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? "
Erma Bombeck
Fire
Door
Smell
" A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "
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You
Because
Diet
" I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' "
Erma Bombeck
View
Time
Raising Children
" A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. "
Erma Bombeck
Husband
Wife
Birthday
" The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. "
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Breathing
Jogging
Only
" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
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Never
Drink
Accept