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" Print is definitely more nutritious. When I leave a website, I'm hungry again an hour later - especially the Chinese websites. "

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" If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. "

" I was 5-foot-8 when I graduated high school, but then I shot up to 6-foot-4 and got more into playing basketball. "

" I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper. "

" Standup really is a young man's game, a single young man's game. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't single, it was hard to be on the road because you go through relationships because your girlfriend kinda got tired of you being gone. "

" I do have a place in my heart for animal shelters because the job they have is impossible - so many animals that need to euthanized because don't have homes for them. "

" I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push. "

" I think there's a part of me that might be my alter ago, like the carefree, do-what-he-wants kind of guy, because I've been so restrained most of my life, going to Catholic school and being the good son and the good husband. It's a fun escape route for me sometimes to lead that life. "

" I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life - just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things. "

" Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want. "

" I feel guilty: when I'm not golfing, I feel like I should be golfing. And when I'm golfing, I feel like I should be home working or spending time with the family. So it's a real conundrum. "

" I look back at 'Saturday Night Live' and I think, some people didn't like me doing 'Weekend Update.' Who cares? A lot of people did. When you're reaching that many people, you're not going to have everybody like you. "

" I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn't see that as a job description anywhere. "

" When I would see my friends with their kids, I was envious that you can use children to get out of just about anything. If you don't feel like going to a dinner party, you could say, 'My kid's sick. I can't make it.' Who's gonna argue with you? "

" I think I definitely would have ended up in some kind of show business. I was very interested in music when I was younger. This was back when Crosby, Stills and Nash were around. "

" I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game. "

" I met Adam Sandler through 'Saturday Night Live,' and we became friends. "

" I tend to listen to Sirius XM Radio. "

" I have a severe addiction to 'Angry Birds.' I always tell myself, 'One more game...' But then there's always another and another and another. "

" Sometimes people come to my standup show, and they think they're going to see Doug Wilson. Or they see me on the street, and they call me Doug Wilson. "

" Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness. "

" I really enjoyed working on the 2009 film, 'Aliens in the Attic,' because it was shot in New Zealand and I got to visit there for the first time. "

" As a comedian, you're kind of like a blues musician; you have to live a little bit. "

" Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing. "

" I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me. "

" It was football I enjoyed most. When I moved to L.A. to become a stand-up comedian, I thought it might be a good comedy hook to also be the punter for USFL club The L.A. Express, so I started practicing for the tryouts. Luckily, my stand-up took off, and I didn't need to do it. "

" The thing is when I started doing standup, you had to have a clean act because that's how you got on television. There weren't all these cable shows. Also, I didn't want to have that kind of act in case my family came to see me or my kid one day. "

" I worked for a temp agency called Manpower. "

" I'm a member of the Studio City Driving Range. They have a nice little par-3 AstroTurf course and driving range. You know, I don't belong to a course because I don't golf that much, so it's not worth it for me to join a club. "

" With music, you're laying it all out there. They're judging you right away, and you can lose them quick. With the comedy, you've always got another joke to redeem yourself. Or, even if you've only got one joke, at least the punch line is at the end. Then they have to at least pay attention until the end. "

" I recently purchased an iPad 2 because I didn't want to wait for the iPad 3 and iPad 4. "