Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. "
Jay Leno
Problem
Day
Serious
Related Quotes:
" If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. "
Jay Leno
Will
Next
Work
" More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own. "
Jay Leno
Wonder
Own
Know
" Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. "
Jay Leno
Decision
Science
Today
" CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. "
Jay Leno
Men
Strong
Woman
" For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! "
Jay Leno
People
You
Time
" If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. "
Jay Leno
Dog
Bad
Breath
" Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. "
Jay Leno
Patient
Percent
Say
" I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' "
Jay Leno
Yesterday
McDonald
Said
" Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. "
Jay Leno
White
Pose
Know
" The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most. "
Jay Leno
Falling
Wine
Week
" Politics is just show business for ugly people. "
Jay Leno
Politics
People
Business
" In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. "
Jay Leno
Good
Good Work
Work
" Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? "
Jay Leno
Think
You
Never
" I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder. "
Jay Leno
Think
Best
High
" Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate. "
Jay Leno
Night
Great
Evil
" The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. "
Jay Leno
Christmas
Men
Supreme Court
" Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. "
Jay Leno
Together
Divorce
Today
" According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it. "
Jay Leno
Book
Will
Sex
" My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic? "
Jay Leno
Today
Paper
Me
" You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that. "
Jay Leno
Somebody
Who
Laugh
" I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. "
Jay Leno
Cubs
Chicago
October
" Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue. "
Jay Leno
Home
Hurt
Safety
" Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers. "
Jay Leno
Good
Remember
People
" Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. "
Jay Leno
Hills
Funny
Day