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" I am someone who values truth - actual truth as opposed to 'truthiness.' "

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" Here's the thing: I am not only a creature of civilization, I'm an asthmatic person. I will only live so long as I have stockpiled the proper inhalers. I'm effectively a cyborg. You know how in Jurassic Park, they bred those dinosaurs with the lysine deficiencies, so if they ever got off the island, they'd die? That's me. "

" Comedy does offer an avenue to television and film careers for untelegenic people that great drama does not. "

" I am not an Internet superstar. "

" While I understand that all things must come to an end, whether it's a television advertisement or one's life or the world itself, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. "

" The villain of any story is often the most compelling character. "

" Part of the transaction between writer and reader is the pleasure of building a community and encouraging people to play along. "

" What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum! That's an amusing relic of our past. "

" I think that obviously, there is a perverse attraction to a fundamentally changed world or the end of the world. There is a death wish, a perverse death wish. Not just for ourselves, not just for the movie 'Death Wish,' but for the end of all human life. "

" As a freelance writer, I'd be asked to become an expert for various magazines on any subject, whether food or wine or history or the life span of veterinarians. I was completely unschooled in any of these things. "

" When I listen to music - I don't particularly do it for fun all that much. It's not a big part of my life, and I'm not really on top of what's happening in the world of music in the way I was when I was a teenager. "

" Everyone wants to write a book. Very few people are able to do it. "

" As you know, the thing that I know the least about is the topic of sports. "

" Hosting a TV show is a full-time job in which success is defined by it never ending. "

" All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports. "

" In the '80s and '90s, I was really interested in, moved by, exhilarated by, and troubled by rap in all the ways a white person from Brookline, Massachusetts should be. That was music that was making trouble, and it was interesting and provocative trouble. "

" For a long time, I would write without music, because I thought it was distracting until I appreciated that it actually unlocks a certain unconscious productivity vault in my mind. "

" Well, I always had this desire to celebrate and somehow be a part of things that I thought were really great. "

" When you think about it, the end of the world is a little bit like death: We all know it's going to come eventually, and as we get older, we feel we see the signs more and more distinctly. "

" Any time you try to create an Internet meme, automatic fail. That's like the worst thing you can do. "

" My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not. "

" My fame is due to broadcast television. "

" First of all, I wish I could grow a beard. "

" Most people presume my mustache is not real because it's much darker than my regular hair. "

" I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author. "