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" I feel like a foster kid that's been in the system for a long time, and then at 16, somebody adopted them and said, 'You can go to college, and you ain't got to pay no student loans.' I feel happy. I feel accepted after all these years of blood, sweat, and tears. "

Tiffany Haddish

Tears

You

College

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" Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't become Mr. Universe because he went to the gym every now and then. He did it on a regular basis. It's the same thing with comedy. I try to perform seven nights a week. "

" I'm not really into politics, but if I had my own country, I would make sure all my people were educated and figuring out what they love to do, and focusing on that. "

" For any women trying to do comedy, I would suggest you do one thing every day towards your goal. First, you figure out what it is you want to accomplish. Don't be afraid to set a new goal every day, but every single day, do one thing towards your goal, and you will achieve it. "

" My therapist was like, 'What brings joy to your heart?' And I was like, 'I like to see teeth. I guess maybe I should have been a dentist.' "

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" There are a lot of comedians that were bullied and picked on, and that's why they became comedians. Survival of the fittest. "

" When I go to auditions, I try to always make sure I go in prepared. I always think to myself, 'I'm here to provide them with a service. They need me, and if they decide to hire me for this service, I'm going to give them the best they've ever paid for and if they don't, they're dumb.' That's on them. "

" I always bring at least 15 to 20 percent of Tiffany to every character that I do. Like when I read 'Girls Trip,' I was like, 'Who been partying with me? Somebody been hanging out with me and done stole some stuff.' "

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" The body is a universal language. Because if you spoke French, and I speak English, but I move like this or do certain movements, I can still make you smile and laugh. "

" If the award comes with a check, then I want that award. But if it doesn't come with a check, then I'm not that interested. I'd much rather join NASCAR and get a trophy and a check. "

" I learned from Roger Rabbit that if you make people laugh, they'll do anything for you - which is almost true. "

" When I got emancipated from the foster care program and I became homeless, it was a struggle. I was working at an airline, and then I stopped to pursue comedy 110%. "

" I'm so sleepy most of the time, but I guess it's 'cause I'm constantly doing things and trying to move forward and set up for the master plan. The master plan is to be, like, little baby Oprah, with my own production company, maybe my own channel, inspire millions. "

" In stand-up, you do need to be having fun up there, like Richard Pryor said, but you have to know yourself well, too... You start learning, and it's like playing a piano. You know exactly what keys to stroke, 'cause really, with comedy, you're, like, fiddling with people's souls. "

" I'm not afraid of any kind of job, I'm not afraid to play any kind of role, as long as it doesn't compromise my morals. "

" Coming from where I came from, being a foster youth... like, living in all those different homes... I am glad I had those experiences because now, when I perform, I can come from a place of reality: I know how different people live. "

" I love Groupon. I just got a pedicure because of Groupon, and it was the best pedicure ever. I'm going to write a review! "

" No matter what the situation, I try to have fun. I get pulled over by the police, I'm like, 'Oh, this going to be the best arrest ever.' And I end up making friends with these police officers. "

" Stop holding your truth; speak your truth. Be yourself. It's the healthiest way to be. "

" I think of comedy as my man: it's the one thing I can always rely on that will keep me safe, keep me fed, put a roof over my head. "

Tiffany Haddish

Think

Man

" I tried to join three gangs, and every single one gave me a different excuse, but it was pretty much along the lines of, 'You're too goofy. You're too cute. You don't fit in.' "

" Everybody the same: We all got problems. We all want to be loved. We all wanna be happy. "

" You're the only one that's in control of your emotions; you're the only one that's inside of you at all times. So control you however you want to. If you're not happy, that's your fault. "

" As far as ever wanting to give up, there have been a few times where I thought, 'Man, am I even good enough to do this?' Because people have said things to me like, 'You're too pretty. You shouldn't do comedy. Go ahead and get pregnant by a rich guy and chill.' "