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" I know if I were to drop dead now, people would probably write nice things in the obit. "

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" Being the youngest of five, you're adored, you're fueled with confidence. "

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" I pretend I'm one of the royal family when I'm in a hotel and that the hotel belongs to me - it is a palace. "

" I hate to lull the audience into letting them think that something is something. It's always fun to defy expectations. "

" What I learned, a little too late, was that the 'traditional' Martin Short target viewer weighs under 300 pounds. Unfortunately, I was on during daytime. "

" I have sometimes imagined my own death and brought myself to tears. "

" You try to figure out things to keep yourself interested. It's very easy to get lulled. "

" Someone once asked me what was the weirdest question I was ever asked. And I was stymied. "

" All these things that enter your head are assignments. You write them up and then throw them out there and if someone wants to do it, your assignment is done. "

" One of my great influences was Don Knotts as Barney Fife. "