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" I once knew a girl who didn't know where anywhere was in the world. Not a clue. I asked her if she knew where Africa was and she answered, 'Is it the orange one on a map?' "

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" I can't abide small talk. "

" I have two vintage typewriters. One just about works and the other hasn't a hope in hell, bless it. But they're both beautiful, and they'll stay with me just as long as there's a roof over my head. "

" Successful writers say you should never work from a desk with a view, and the view I have from this one is a huge distraction. There's a garden bursting with fresh vegetation, and just beyond the high wall at the end of it, I can see the sign of the local pub across the road. Distractions, eh? I'm so easily led. "

" Here I sit, beneath the large window of a first-floor Georgian flat, exploring the corridors of my sordid imagination for comedic words of beauty. "

" Milk which is just about to turn is akin to that moment spent on the cusp of failure in a dulled and fettered relationship. "

" I've spent so much of my adult life in relationships that it's actually quite pleasant to be alone at last. I turned thirty-six the other day, which staggers me when I think about it. "

" I want truth. I'm crying out to hear it. I need it like oxygen. "

" I'm a Taurus, you know. A bull. I belong in a field. "

" I like a decent funeral, and God knows in my family we've seen enough of them. Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.' "

" If comedians were truly free of repression, there would not be an inherent need to perform for the love of a roomful of total strangers. "

" Seven thirty in the morning is too early for a man of my standing. "

" We must remember to enjoy ourselves. "

" Looking through family photographs now is like watching an episode of 'Dad's Army.' My relatives seem to drop like flies around me. Who's next? Will it be someone I can't stand? "