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" I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that! "

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" I want people to feel good about themselves. "

" Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him. "

" I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with myself more and I enjoyed making people laugh more than making people cry or think. "

" Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day. "

" On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes. "

" But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain. "

" I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage. "

" The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material. "

" In real life, I am alarmingly boring. "

" I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to laugh and make people laugh. "

" Depression taught me the importance of compassion and hard work, and that you can overcome enormous obstacles. "

" Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo? "

" In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame. "

" On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs. "

" I hate wearing suits and ties. "

" With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their hard-earned money, so I owe them the truth as I experience it. "

" It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language. "

" The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were. "

" My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter. "

" It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up, so I sort of try to subversively undercut that. "

" I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious. "