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" If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. "

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" If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. "

" The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account. "

" I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran. "

" Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys. "

" Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens. "

" When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper. "

" Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. "

" We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. "

" The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. "

" The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment. "

" It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone. "

" I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points. "

" I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you. "

" Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter. "

" Death is a distant rumor to the young. "

" The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians. "

" The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. "

" Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie? "

" People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe. "

" I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. "

" Elephants and grandchildren never forget. "

" Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives. "

" The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread. "

" Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens. "