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" I'm looking for a woman with the body of Kelly Brook and the mind of Stephen Fry. "

Stephen Merchant

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" I've jokingly said that everything I'm doing now is filling up the hours before I die, but I do feel that slightly. I have no religious beliefs so this is the ride. This is it. So I'm just like anyone, I suppose, trying to fill out the days in the most interesting way possible. "

Stephen Merchant

" There's this way pop culture has been rammed down our throats that people think that if they were just in the right place at the right time, they'd be married to Heidi Klum. "

Stephen Merchant

" Once I began doing stand-up, I didn't get a kick out of the applause or being the centre of attention - but I did get a kick out of the jigsaw puzzle aspect of it, searching for the right bit, adding another few pieces each night until the bigger picture appears. That's the appeal: the challenge of it. "

Stephen Merchant

" My heroes - people like Woody Allen - were stand-up comedians. Therefore, I always felt I should give it a go. "

Stephen Merchant

" The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word 'wife' on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car. "

Stephen Merchant

" A lot of my comic influences are distinctly American: Woody Allen and Bob Hope, for example. They were always the underdogs who were using wit to sort of battle their way through. And it seems to me that a lot of contemporary U.S. comedies are shot through with losers. None of the characters in 'The Big Bang Theory,' for instance, are studs. "

Stephen Merchant

" It's not like I think: 'By the age of 40 I've got to be an international household name.' When the opportunity to perform comes up, then I'll take it. It's really good fun. But because I don't crave the attention or the buzz, it's not like I'm desperate for it. "

Stephen Merchant

" My teeth are all right, but they are not American teeth, and my hair is not thick and luscious. Los Angeles is dense with beautiful people, and most of the men who are aspiring actors are 5ft 5in, so I tower above them. "

Stephen Merchant

" Generally, I'm terrified of shopping. I like the idea of being well-dressed, but I've always struggled to get anything that fits. I envy those that go into old vintage shops. "

Stephen Merchant

" Maybe there's a sort of veneer of optimism about U.S. comedy, whereas perhaps in England, we don't mind ending it on a sourer note. "

Stephen Merchant

" People think all fame is the same, but being on BBC Two from time to time does not make you Warren Beatty. I honestly can't impress that upon people enough. "

Stephen Merchant

" John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, 'Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there's a chance for me.' "

Stephen Merchant

" When I started to mention to people who know about such things, 'I'm doing this game, 'Portal 2', they got very excited, suddenly. More excited than anything I've ever done before, weirdly. Gamers are incredibly enthusiastic about the stuff they love. "

Stephen Merchant

" I have experienced bad dating and ineptitude with women all across the globe, from Vietnam to Paris. When I was 21, women were an enigma; they were this code that had to be cracked. They were 'The Other.' I have often thought writing this stuff into stand-up and shows would be an exorcism, but it hasn't been; it makes no difference. "

Stephen Merchant

" People don't mind insulting the tall. We're supposed to be fine with being awkward and skinny. I'm very easy to psychoanalyse. I was a gangly, awkward teenager who could make people laugh and thought that was a way to be socially more comfortable. "

Stephen Merchant

" I used to be quite a big video game player at university and post-university in that weird moment in life before you have a proper job and you've got a lot of idle time. "

Stephen Merchant

" I was trying for years to woo people through humour, but it seems flash cars are much easier. "

Stephen Merchant

" I suffered when I was in my late twenties and early thirties. I was awkward, I stuck out, I was nerdy. "

Stephen Merchant

" I'm too tall. I am 6ft 7in, so I've been most people's height at some point in my life, and 6ft 4in is the best. You're tall, but you don't have to bend when you go through a door. "

Stephen Merchant

" I wish I could write 'Taxi Driver,' or 'Blue Velvet,' something brave, audacious, dramatic and dark. I don't know if I have the darkness in my own soul to be able to tap into it, unfortunately. "

Stephen Merchant

" When we did 'The Office,' no one knew who we were, so it was easy to champion us; you could own us. Once you become successful, people don't have that any more, so it becomes more polarised. Some people want to champion you, and others want to slag you off. It doesn't concern me. "

Stephen Merchant

" I know that this sounds grand, but I don't try to compete with other people. I like to think there's enough pie for everyone. The kind of people I'm competing with are my heroes - Woody Allen, Billy Wilder - who I know I'm going to fall short of. "

Stephen Merchant

" It never really occurs to me that I'm doing cringe comedy. It's something that people tell me afterwards, and I say, 'Again? Really? I never set out with that intention.' "

Stephen Merchant

" When I was a teenager, I met a comedian who I admired, and he was very rude to me. That's why when people come up to me I try not to be rude. I don't want to name who he is, but it really put me off watching his stuff since. "

Stephen Merchant