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" I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable. "

Jeremy Clarkson

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" Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space. "

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" I dish the dirt out, and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it? In 20 years, I have taken any number of stories, most of which are not true, without a murmur of complaint. But some stories you have to draw the line and say No. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It's pointless. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" If you're writing, it means getting up and writing all day, and if you're filming, it's getting up and filming all day. I get up, go to my computer, write, turn it off, and go to bed. That is a Clarkson day. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" Argentina and Burma. I have been to most of the countries in the world, but not those two. I want to shoot doves in Argentina. Burma, of course, because no one has really been there. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I have had an amazingly fortunate life. I'm a child from Yorkshire, which is sort of like Cleveland without the pretty bits. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an E. M. Forster novel. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it? "

Jeremy Clarkson

" Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don't, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It's not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I've never changed it. It's a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I think people who watch 'Top Gear' think they're the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" I read in the papers how much I'm earning and fall about laughing because I'm sure it's not that much; otherwise, I'd have an enormous boat. I'm literally not the slightest bit interested in money. I just don't pay any attention to money; it's rather vulgar. "

Jeremy Clarkson

" The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a either black gay or a lesbian. Chalk and cheese, they reckon, works. "

Jeremy Clarkson