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" I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them. "

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" Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that. "

Aziz Ansari

Hate

You

Time

" I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love. "

" Like with 'Parks and Recreation,' it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had. "

" After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.' "

" One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack. "

" For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid. "

" Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes. "

Aziz Ansari

Than

Enthusiasm

" A lot of people my age think stand up sucks. "

Aziz Ansari

Think

Stand Up

" I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun. "

" I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat. "

" Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true. "

" I'm always down to try a new burger, but Shake Shack is still my top. What makes them so special is for the bread they use Martin's potato rolls which is just the best hamburger buns ever. "

" Some comedians will tour and do these classic bits all the time. But now with YouTube and Comedy Central, people see your stuff, and they don't want to hear you do that again. "

" Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever. "

" Every single person, pretty much, is taught what they're supposed to do: go to school, get a job, find someone to love, get married, have kids, raise the kids, and then die. Nobody questions that. What if you want to do something different? "

" When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing. "

" You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. It's the hardest thing. "

" Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig. "

Aziz Ansari

Plum

Animation

" I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. "

" Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you. "

Aziz Ansari

Just

People

" London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up. "

" The whole idea of love is scary - so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple. "

" I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it. "