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" It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this. "

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" Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do. "

" I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke. "

" By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. "

" The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life? "

" The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent. "

" Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38. "

" Whiskey will always be a part of my life. "

" When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep. "

" Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time. "

" The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. "

" All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred. "

" When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.' "

" When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either. "

" It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world. "

" I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say. "

" Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine. "

" To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor. "

" A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian. "

" I got into comedy so I could stay out all night. "

" Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that. "

" When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs. "

" I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro. "

" And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard. "

" You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?' "