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" I've never judged anybody by how they look or how they dress. I basically judge them on their character. And that's how I lead my own life. "

Larry the Cable Guy

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" What a piece of garbage this smart car is. There's a commercial - the smart car has zero percent interest for six years. Well, good, I got zero percent in six years in buying this smart car. I'll tell you that much. I mean, it's ridiculous. My buddy has a smart car, totaled it. He hit a deer tick. "

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" I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it. "

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" Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks. "

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" I'm not a party guy, and I'm not a Hollywood guy, either. "

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" I just developed my act way back in the late '80s. I went to college in Georgia, so I picked up the Southern accent. I talked like that with my friends all the time, because it was fun. It was funny... All my friends were real Southern. We're buddies, so I'd say stuff to make them laugh. So that was pretty much it. "

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" When Pixar calls and says, 'Hey, you wanna be in a Pixar movie?' you don't do a lot of contemplating! "

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" One of my little girls is named Reagan. Her first words were, 'Mr. Larry, tear down this crib.' That was her first words, it was very sweet. My first words were, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?' "

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" Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it. "

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" We try to make the name longer and longer every year. First, it was 'Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular.' Then it was 'It's a Very Larry Christmas.' Now it's 'Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-palooza Christmas Luau.' I'll tell you what it is: It's funny. That's what it is. Who cares what the name of it is? It is a funny special. "

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" What I do onstage, there's maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They're really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love 'em; they're awesome. They're good people. "

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" I'm so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain't affecting my life at all. "

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" I think probably one of the coolest things was when I went to play basketball at Rucker Park in Harlem. First of all, who would think that Larry the Cable Guy would go to Harlem to play basketball? And I was received like a rock star. It was amazing! There were people everywhere. There were guys walking by yelling, 'Git 'r done!' "

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" It's nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes. "

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" Doing a kid's movie is fun when you have kids. You don't want to do kids' movies if you don't have kids. When you have kids, things change in your life. "

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" I don't really get to see a lot of other comedians, because I work with the same people all the time. The guy I really like is Nick DiPaulo. I love Nick DiPaulo, but again, he's a buddy of mine. But I liked him for a long time. I liked him before he was a buddy of mine. "

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" Tony Orlando is one of the nicest guys I have ever met - bar none - in my entire life. I was always a fan when I was a kid - you know, huge fan. Who wasn't a fan of Tony Orlando? "

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" The thing that's changed the way I do my stand-up act is having kids and getting older and wiser and smarter. There might be a joke or two in the past that I wish I hadn't done, but in the past, you can't have it back. "

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" 'Cars' has been a godsend. I mean, I get paid to talk into a mic. Honestly, I had no idea it would become as big as it did. When I first got the part of Mater, it was actually a small part. I did the voicing for it, though, and the animators liked it so much they rewrote the original script so that Mater could be in it more. "

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" We're homebodies. I've gotten to see my kids' first steps, first smiles, first words. Every day is a weekend. "

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" I don't judge people by their accent, or how they word things, or how grammatically correct their speech is. Some of the smartest men in the world couldn't spell. I judge a person by their character. "

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" Even before I did stand-up, I've always been the kind of guy - and I talk about it on stage - who says I like people and I always look for the good in people. I say, 'Every person has something good about them, if you can just find it.' "

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" I don't even see it as cable TV anymore. I've been called 'Larry the Cable Guy' for so long, I don't even think about it being about cable. I don't know anything about cable. "

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" I've only been to these foreign countries: Canada, L.A. and Miami. "

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" I'm a huge NASCAR fan, but I'm not a gearhead. I've never been into fixing cars. It's not because I don't like it. I would love to know more. It's just my dad never taught me that stuff because my dad wasn't a mechanic. "

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" As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. "

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" I've always felt that if you've been blessed, you should try to help as many people as you can. I just think that's the right thing to do. "

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" I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.' "

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" I'm saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then? "

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" I love food: biscuits and gravy, cheese grits, spaghetti and meatballs, chicken-fried steak with white gravy... but my favorite dish is my wife's beanie weenie cornbread casserole. It's so good. It sounds stupid, but if you eat it, it's heaven. Of course, it's only something you can eat if you've got a lot of money. "

Larry the Cable Guy