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" Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that. "

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" If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks. "

" But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it. "

" I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone. "

" I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once. "

" Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind. "

" When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them. "

" True Yankees are born, not made. "

" I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field. "

" If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks. "

" Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing. "

" Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players? "

" I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball. "

" I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it. "

" Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts. "

" I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up. "

" You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day. "

" I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry. "