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" My dad's idea of punishment was to dress me up in all green to disguise me as grass, and then throw me in the pasture. Cows bit me all over. "

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" As an actor, you're never busy enough. "

" Stand-up comedy is all you. It's your show, it's your game. You control every aspect of it - of that experience and that expression. There's really nothing quite as satisfying. "

" One of the beautiful things about podcasting is that I'm not beholding to some public entity. "

Beautiful Things

" My parents were really nice to me. "

" I don't know much, but I like talking to people who know a lot more than I do. "

" I've always wanted to be a brooding, deep, dark artist, but I can never keep that facade going for more than 15 minutes. "

" Guys want a 500 horsepower car. I'd rather have one horsepower - in a horse. That's macho. You go to pick up your date and you show up on a horse. "

" There are so many hot, sexy women in L.A. "

" It's always a shock to me when I get recognized. "

" I celebrate masculinity when I'm onstage. "

" Comedy is surprise. Comedy is not something that you can, necessarily, do twice. "

" If you actually get down to the nitty-gritty of the average Pakistani, the average Indian, the average whoever, what you really do know emotionally is that they're exactly the same. "

" Being in quite a few movies... there's always things that are changing about a film. "

" You go into an audition, you're either the one or you're not, and if you're not, you go home. And I kind of like that. If you're really good, and you're the best guy in the room that day, you get the job. "

" I'm always driven to keep doing something different and better. "

" My point of view is that men are basically animals, and I'm okay with that. "

" Some comics really thrive on being disrespectful, especially toward women, and it's somehow understood as edgy, but I'm the opposite. I've never liked curse words for that reason. "

" Compare sending someone a text message and getting a love letter delivered by carrier pigeon. No contest. "

" If you're the Rolling Stones, you can sing 'Start Me Up' for 35 years, and people still cheer. "

" Women find men attractive who are aggressive... but later on, they get worried that that aggression, that alpha energy, is going to be turned back against them and their children. "