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" No one pays me to be nice. "

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" Where can I get some tat? I'd like to trade it in. "

" Definition of 'Free': You pay for it whether or not you elect to receive it. "

" The analysis of the thing is not the thing itself. "

" There are two types of people in the world, and I'm one of them. "

" The way to a man's heart is through his chest. "

" The principle of Sturgeon's Razor states that the simplest answer to any problem is 90% crap. "

" Luck consists largely of hanging on by your fingernails until things start to go your way. "

" Feminism is sort of like God. Many people profess to believe in it, but no one seems to be able to define it to everyone's satisfaction. "

" Lawyers are the first refuge of the incompetent. "

" Life is like an analogy. "

" This would not be a problem if I were driving a snowplow. "

" When all else fails, complicate matters. "

When All Else Fails

" The difference between tragedy and comedy: Tragedy is something awful happening to somebody else, while comedy is something awful happening to somebody else. "

" I really can't complain about actresses who get paid to be dumb. Most of us can't get paid to be smart. "

" If you hack the Vatican server, have you tampered in God's domain? "

" I'm content to stand on tradition. I'm even more content to wipe my feet on it. "

" Violence is the first refuge of the violent. "