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" Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. "

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" You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that! "

" I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. "

" If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck. "

" That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring. "

" You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. "

" If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. "

" The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him. "

" You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. "

" I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. "

" The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house. "

" I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. "

" Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? "

" I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. "

" Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks. "

" If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' "

" We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy. "

" When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain. "

" My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! "

" Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work. "

" You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. "

" I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods. "

" When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.' "

" Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? "

" Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. "