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" People in London think of London as the center of the world, whereas New Yorkers think the world ends three miles outside of Manhattan. "

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" I wouldn't describe myself as a master of anything. "

" I was once hired to write a column for 'The Guardian' and then got fired before I'd submitted my first one. That was unusual. Most newspapers wait until I've written at least one piece for them before firing me. "

" I've never been to a shrink. But my parents were very psychologically literate - my father had undergone Freudian analysis - and we often talked about other people in psychological terms, so I picked up a lot of that. "

" I tried being a mechanic and I tried catering, but I realized I had even less aptitude for semi-skilled labour than for academic work. "

" I expect that in 40 years' time I'll be writing political tomes and working for an organisation like Oxfam. "

" I think I've been wishing for celebrity for so long that I've got used to being someone who's petitioning the establishment for acceptance... my whole schtick, my whole identity, is so wrapped up in being a petitioner that I don't really know how to react now that petition has been granted. "

" Teachers complain a lot about how tough their job is. But, you know, the day begins in most schools at nine o'clock, ends at 3.30 P.M. They have six weeks' holiday during the summer, two weeks' holiday at Easter and at Christmas. Yes, they don't just work when they're at school, but even so, compared to a lot of other jobs, it's not that tough. "

" If anything bad happens, the media will leap on it. We're under a huge obligation to be successful. "

" I miss being fawned over by restaurateurs and chefs. "

" In Britain, by contrast, we still think that class plays a part in determining a person's life chances, so we're less inclined to celebrate success and less inclined to condemn failure. The upshot is that it's much easier to be a failure in Britain than it is in America. "

" Oddly, I do have a problem with authority. I find it very difficult to knuckle down and follow rules. Which are the classic symptoms of someone who has a troubled relationship with their father. And yet, I never had a problem with my father. "

" In my capacity as a board member of the OfS, I hope to be impartial, objective, and fair. "

" The moment I'm perceived to be even a tiny bit successful, my career will go down the pan. "

" My life's ambition is to play a James Bond villain. I have the cat and the eye-patch, so I'm just waiting for the call. For some reason, though, the phone hasn't rung. "

" There's no reason why you can't deliver a grammar-school curriculum to an all-ability intake. "

" You know when you tell a self-deprecating story at a dinner party, everyone's laughing along with you? But then when someone else repeats that same story at another dinner party you feel they're all laughing at you? "

" I've become a professional failure - in order to pay the mortgage I have to remain unemployed. Luckily, a disaster always seems to befall me at exactly the right moment. "

" America thinks of itself as a meritocracy, so people have more respect for success and more contempt for failure. "

" The fact that I'm a Tory who hasn't worked at a university - at least, not since I taught at Cambridge in 1990 - doesn't disqualify me from serving on the board of the OfS. "

" When I was writing my column, I would almost always be recognized when I was in a restaurant, even if I was reviewing it and had booked under a fake name, so free stuff would start coming out of the kitchen on a conveyer belt, fantastic wines would be opened at my table. Now I can't even get a reservation on the pizza joint on the corner. "

" I swear, I didn't really go in thinking, 'I'll be the Simon Cowell' of 'Top Chef.' I was just used to being a judge on British food shows where people are much more outspoken and rather rude. That's the culture over here. "

" I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to do some proper reporting, but keep it on sort of a humorous level. I've always had a very happy experience writing for them. "