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" The decision as to what's funny and what is not funny shall rest solely with Mr. Freberg. "

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" When he was a little kid, he was a fat, spoiled kid. I can tell the type. "

" If you don't like an ad, why should anybody else?... We're all consumers... That's why I always create commercials for myself first of all. I am the consumer I know best. If I think it's a great commercial, I figure the rest of the people might think so, too. I haven't been wrong so far. "

" I trained my son to be a puppeteer since he was a little boy. "

" I was turning down cigarette campaigns before it became fashionable. I wouldn't let CBS Radio sell 'The Stan Freberg Show' to R.J. Reynolds and American Tobacco, which had sponsored Jack Benny, the man I replaced. "

" A lot of television stuff is mean-spirited, and I think that's how political advertising got so mean-spirited, to where people are throwing things at the television set every time we have an election. "

" You have to prove that the Freberg way will sell their product better than if they just did straight advertising. Whenever I give a lecture or seminar, that's what I try to get across to people. I hear very few radio commercials that sound like I could have written them or that they got the idea. "

" I had a scholarship to Stanford because I won three California Speech tournaments. Before I started Stanford, I told my mother I wanted to take a bus into Hollywood and see if I could get an agent. "

" Who are taking to the witch burning Saturday night? "

" People are amazed to see that I wrote all the words and music myself to 'Stan Freberg Presents The United States Of America.' "

" I believe all of my talents come from the Lord. All of my talents are God-given - that's how I was able to write music without any professional musical training. "