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" The horrible truth is that I am lazy and I am going to write and do bits that just hand themselves to me. "

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" I've always been 'ethnic friend,' without any serious moments, all jokes. "

" There are comics in L.A. doing impressions, and the first thing they do is hunch over and then start to do this bad Rick Moranis voice I do as well when I really get going. It's pretty horrible. "

" I once called a guy into his own office and spun around in his own chair to greet him. That kind of thing may be why I quit, before I got into serious trouble. I would smile and the person would get so upset. But you do a thousand of those things, and it makes you weird. "

" If you're playing the clubs, you're either on your way up or your way down. "

" I don't really move onstage; all I do is just gradually hunch more and more and jut out at the people in the front row. "

" A lot of Latinos are like me: third generation, English speaking. "

" I think any husband knows when to stand down when it comes to domestic disputes. After 13 years of marriage, I even think I may have it figured out. "

" I'm not much for setup... punch line. I talk about my kids. I talk about my wife. "

" When my son was 3 years old - I'll never forget this - there was this homeless guy walking toward us, and my son looked at me, and he said, 'Who's your buddy?' "

" I've always liked and appreciated storytellers like Garry Shandling and Bill Cosby - more long-form comedy. So starting in San Francisco, watching all these great comics - Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle - you get to see them a bunch, and you go, 'Wow, this is where I need to be.' "

" I'm so sick of people treating Latinos like some homogenous group that all feel the same way about everything. "

" I was a corporate hatchet man, and it's impossible for me to turn that off. It's this curse when I walk into businesses: 'That needs to be fixed, that needs to be fixed.' "

" I love doing a show that makes no mention of ethnicity. "

" My daughter plays keyboard very well, and my son plays guitar, and they're totally into music. "

" I was well-dressed and good at firing people because I really did care. I cared about giving them the opportunity to talk through the situation and was always sincere. I would explain that 'This was a bad match,' and they were probably meant to do other things if they weren't giving their all to this, which paid $10 a hour. "

" My daughter, who is 7 years old - I have no idea where she learned this - she made a video where she's beat-boxing. We have no idea where the beat-boxing came from, but all of a sudden, there it was. Now we're launched into lyric sheets for every single song that is current. They're all over our house. "

" There's no reason anybody should be reading too much into 'Thrift Shop.' I just have because I have a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old who are really into going to lyric websites, hitting print, and printing lyrics for every song that's popular. "

" You re-watch 'Napoleon Dynamite', and there's a lot of thrift shopping that goes on in that movie; there's a lot of funny stuff. It's definitely amusing, and paying 99 cents for a samurai sword is amazing. "

" My primary responsibility is to be funny. "

" People see me on the 'Daily Show' or 'About a Boy'. But the reality is that I only got into this business to do standup comedy. "