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" The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child. "

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" Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue. "

Asking Questions

" I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation. "

" Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control. "

" What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types. "

" Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool. "

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" Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business. "

" By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died. "

" Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first. "

" Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip. "

" Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license. "