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" When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents. "

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" You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes. "

" I didn't decide I was crazy until 1952. That's when I began making a steady salary and could afford to be crazy. "

" I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren't meeting either. "

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" Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else. "

" Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. "

" It's a play where something went wrong, 'Cause it's five hours, twelve minutes long. If you sit there, my friend, From beginning 'til end, Then your bladder better be strong! "

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" Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck. "

" They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee. "

" In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world. "

" Our act started at the bottom and went downhill. "