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" Wine is crying juice. Rum is worse. "
Retta
Wine
Worse
Rum
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" When I was younger, I was an avid science girl. I was all about, 'I'm going to be a doctor.' Even when I graduated, I was like, 'I'm going to be a doctor.' Even though I did acting and I was in plays and drama clubs in high school and college, I still didn't think I was going to take it on as a career. "
Retta
Girl
School
Science
" When I started, it was all meter maids or the sassy nurse, or the sassy receptionist in the hospital. And I felt like: Are those the only jobs that large, black women have? "
Retta
Hospital
Sassy
Women
" I remember doing stand-up at an open mic a long time ago, and the MC was like, 'Who's next?' I said, 'Marietta Sirleaf,' and he was like, 'What?' And I was like, 'Ugh, okay, just Retta.' It stuck with me ever since. "
Retta
Doing
Long
Me
" A lot of comics fly by the seat of their pants, and they pride themselves on being witty, quick, and off-the-cuff. That's not my show. I wrote a show, and I want to do the show I wrote. I'm not interested in what the audience has to say. "
Retta
Want
Say
Witty
" My obsession is TV and movies, so I order an obscene amount of DVDs. And I have an obsession with handbags. So once a year, I treat myself to a luxury handbag. "
Retta
Luxury
Movies
Myself
" I started once a week in North Carolina at a pub called Charlie Goodnight and met a lot of comics there. Then I moved to L.A., and if you're not known, it's hard to get stage time. So you start out doing what they call 'bringers' - you have to bring five people if you wanna get on stage. It was a lot of hustle, a learning curve. "
Retta
Start
People
You
" I like 'Vampire Diaries' because it has great stories. "
Retta
Vampire
Stories
Like
" 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' - I had a lot of friends who told me to watch it. And I was like, 'I'm not buying seven seasons of a frickin' show.' It got to the point where, 'Seriously, you have to watch it.' Buffy is not my favorite, but it's amusing. "
Retta
Friends
Show
Vampire
" 'Glee' is very easy to clown because I feel like it's just crumbling. 'Smash!' 'Smash' is the ultimate. I love it because I'm all about theater. I did plays in high school and college, and it totally brings me back to that feeling: how excited you get on opening night, how it sucks when you're not learning the dance moves. "
Retta
Learning
Love
School
" I only watched 'The Vampire Diaries' because my friends who loves vampires was like, 'Just watch it.' I was like, 'No, I don't want to watch 'Gossip Girls' with teeth.' "
Retta
Want
Vampire
Friends
" I would often get called in to play a very loud, obnoxious - which, truth be told, I can be loud and obnoxious. My issue was when it was like a ghetto girl; I didn't think I was good at it; I didn't feel authentic. And so I had insecurities about going in on it. "
Retta
Ghetto
Good
Play
" For Christmas I do gift bags for my friends and the cast, and I put 'treat yo self' key chains in there. And people send me pictures of 'treat yo self' all the time. "
Retta
Me
Self
Time
" Handbags, dude. It's all about the handbags. I have quite a few purses that I spend a good deal of money on - that's my jam. "
Retta
Good
Deal
Dude
" I want to do acting as much as I can. When you're on contract with a show, you can't really do other shows. It's hard to do film. I haven't had the opportunity to even audition much for films because I don't have an agent. "
Retta
Want
Opportunity
I Can
" Twitter makes me feel like I have friends all over. "
Retta
Me
Like
Twitter
" If your social media addiction comes between your relationship, you might want to quit. "
Retta
Relationship
You
Social Media
" The Kings made me a jersey that said 'Treat yo' self' on the back. "
Retta
Back
Kings
Me
" I didn't have an agent before 'Parks,' and once you're on a show, they're not going to make money off of you. So if you've already booked something without an agent, unless they really want to hustle during the downtime, there's seven months when they're not going to make money off of you. "
Retta
Show
Money
Hustle
" When I first started tweeting, I was just doing it because I was watching 'Breaking Bad' in my trailer and I was so scared by the assassinating cousins. And when people started responding to me, I realized it was like I wasn't watching it alone. "
Retta
Doing
People
Alone
" The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.' "
Retta
Because
You
Trying
" I was always silly in high school. I used to always get in trouble because I was laughing. I've always thought I was funny but never thought I could use it to make money. In 1996, I decided I was going to use my humor to get on TV to make money. "
Retta
Humor
Money
Thought
" If this acting thing doesn't work out, maybe I could be a blogger. "
Retta
Work
Work Out
Maybe
" I know that meeting a black woman with a love for hockey is a bit like stumbling upon a unicorn in the woods... or a unicorn anywhere. I'm sure it'd be just as surreal finding a unicorn in downtown Chicago. But here I am. "
Retta
Hockey
Black
Woman
" I have this game with my friends: When we go out, if 'Treat yo' self' is tagged within the last six minutes on Twitter, they buy lunch. If not, I buy. They always buy. "
Retta
Lunch
Last
Treat