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" You can't go forward and backwards at the same time. "

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" You can be happy, or you can be right. If you want to be part of a couple and win every argument, you're in trouble. "

" Women are the real reason we get up every day. I'm talking about real men. If there were no women, I would not even have to bathe, because why would I care? These are guys I'm hanging with. I wake up for a woman every day of my life to make it happen for her. "

" One of the biggest misconceptions that a woman has is that a man has to accept her the way she is. No, we don't. I don't know who told you that. We like the bright and shiny. If you stop wearing the makeup, stop putting on nail polish, stop wearing high heels, you'll lose us. "

" I'm just a living witness that you can be an imperfect soldier and still be in the army fighting for God Almighty. Don't you think you got to be perfect 'cause I ain't. "

" I never in my life saw myself as a game show host. I don't want to be a traffic cop. "

" I got married for the wrong reasons. I was tired of being alone. I have to own that. It was me, not her. "

" My mother was a Sunday school teacher. So I am a byproduct of prayer. My mom just kept on praying for her son. "

" You have nothing if you're texting a guy in a relationship. We can text six women a minute. We can text it and push 'reply all.' I mean, since we're lying, we might as well lie to everybody. "

" A person has to remember that the road to success is always under construction. You have to get that through your head. That it is not easy becoming successful. "

" The best timed joke or the best timed phrase comes at spontaneous moments and just relies on me as the host to be very quick, and that's what I do. "

" I have seen some crazy people do some crazy things on my variety show. I have to stop and ask them a lot of the time, just how they figured out that they could do the things that they do, some of it is just plain freaky. "

" I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do. "

" You've got to quit lowering your standards. Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business. "

" You've got to be in a bad relationship to really understand what a great one is. "

" Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do. "

" I don't have much of an attention span for TV - I nod off during the basketball playoffs - but when I watch 'Game of Thrones' on On Demand, I'm glued to the set. It's mystical and addictive. Tyrion Lannister, that's my man. "

" All men can and will change. But there's only one woman we're going to change for. "

" I never say 'nagging.' I think that 'nagging' is a term that men created to get women to pipe down some. But, it's a trap that we've created. We created several terms for women to back you down. Nagging means to stop asking me questions, then we get away with more. I think it's a term men created. "

" You can take lessons to become almost anything: flying lessons, piano lessons, skydiving lessons, acting lessons, race car driving lessons, singing lessons. But there's no class for comedy. You have to be born with it. God has to give you this gift. "

" I had, like, 11 jobs. I've been fired 11 times! 'Cause I'm not cut for that. You know, I was a great employee, man. Everybody loved me coming to work - I'm singing, tellin' jokes on the assembly line. I was miserable, man. I was dying. I was dying. "

" I tell my boys not to play rough with their younger sister. I try to teach them what I know already: You're never going to win an argument with a girl, so just let her have what she wants! "

" If a man loves you... he's willing to profess it. He'll give you a title after a while. You're going to be his lady, his woman, his fiancee, his wife, his baby's mama, something. "

" Failure is a great teacher, and I think when you make mistakes and you recover from them and you treat them as valuable learning experiences, then you've got something to share. "

" I'm not a doctor. I just have a tremendous amount of common sense. "