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" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
Phyllis Diller
Three
Just
Bank
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" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "
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Children
Advice
Follow
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
Phyllis Diller
Home
Children
Parenting
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
Phyllis Diller
Song
Bad
End
" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
Phyllis Diller
Ghetto
Money
Show
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
Phyllis Diller
Looking
Job
Day
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
Phyllis Diller
Aim
Aim High
High
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
Phyllis Diller
Back
Lot
Yard
" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "
Phyllis Diller
Life
My Life
My Own
" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
Phyllis Diller
Right
Better
Knew
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
Phyllis Diller
Drive
Admit
Miles
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
Phyllis Diller
You
Own
Look
" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
Phyllis Diller
Him
Down
You
" My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. "
Phyllis Diller
Bad
Thanksgiving
Thought
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
Phyllis Diller
You
Chance
Funny
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
Phyllis Diller
Say
How
Career
" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
Phyllis Diller
Anger
Fight
Go
" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
Phyllis Diller
Guy
Same
Men
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
Phyllis Diller
Licking
Our
Picture
" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "
Phyllis Diller
Time
Funny
Only
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
Phyllis Diller
Eighteen
Behind
Ironing
" Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Rest
Will
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
Phyllis Diller
Shoes
Barefoot
Know
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Want
Things
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
Phyllis Diller
Best Way
Way
Kitchen
" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
Phyllis Diller
Walker
Know
Old
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
Phyllis Diller
Grass
Fresh
Lady
" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
Phyllis Diller
Kitchen
Business
Anger
" My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. "
Phyllis Diller
Justice
Just
Look
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning
Growing
Up
" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
Phyllis Diller
Outfit
Football
Play