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" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
Phyllis Diller
Licking
Our
Picture
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" You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. "
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Walker
Know
Old
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
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Grass
Fresh
Lady
" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
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Everything
Curve
Smile
" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
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Short
Words
Say
" I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. "
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Right
Better
Knew
" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
Phyllis Diller
Kitchen
Business
Anger
" The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
Phyllis Diller
Outfit
Football
Play
" The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. "
Phyllis Diller
Him
Down
You
" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "
Phyllis Diller
Life
My Life
My Own
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
Phyllis Diller
Eighteen
Behind
Ironing
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
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Children
Want
Things
" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
Phyllis Diller
Anger
Fight
Go
" My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. "
Phyllis Diller
Mother-In-Law
Left
Knee
" Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Advice
Follow
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
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Millionaire
Like
Know
" My father used to call me the laughing hyena. "
Phyllis Diller
Hyena
Me
Father
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
Phyllis Diller
You
Chance
Funny
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
Phyllis Diller
Talk
Children
Down
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
Phyllis Diller
You
Own
Look
" Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. "
Phyllis Diller
Three
Just
Bank
" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
Phyllis Diller
Half
Hour
Lasted
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
Phyllis Diller
Say
How
Career
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
Phyllis Diller
Drive
Admit
Miles
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
Phyllis Diller
Best Way
Way
Kitchen
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
Phyllis Diller
Back
Lot
Yard
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
Phyllis Diller
Old
You
Blood
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
Phyllis Diller
Good
Only
Beauty
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
Phyllis Diller
Home
Children
Parenting
" Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
Phyllis Diller
Children
Rest
Will
" Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. "
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning
Growing
Up