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" His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. "
Phyllis Diller
Half
Hour
Lasted
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" Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. "
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Anger
Fight
Go
" We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
Phyllis Diller
Talk
Children
Down
" Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. "
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Home
Children
Parenting
" If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. "
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Millionaire
Like
Know
" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "
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Children
Want
Things
" The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. "
Phyllis Diller
Time
Funny
Only
" The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. "
Phyllis Diller
Say
How
Career
" A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. "
Phyllis Diller
Guy
Same
Men
" I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "
Phyllis Diller
Short
Words
Say
" My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "
Phyllis Diller
Kitchen
Business
Anger
" Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. "
Phyllis Diller
You
Own
Look
" I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. "
Phyllis Diller
Back
Lot
Yard
" A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
Phyllis Diller
Everything
Curve
Smile
" Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. "
Phyllis Diller
Aim
Aim High
High
" There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. "
Phyllis Diller
Ghetto
Money
Show
" My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. "
Phyllis Diller
Life
My Life
My Own
" My father used to call me the laughing hyena. "
Phyllis Diller
Hyena
Me
Father
" Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. "
Phyllis Diller
Licking
Our
Picture
" Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. "
Phyllis Diller
Through
Show
Old Age
" You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. "
Phyllis Diller
Old
You
Blood
" Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. "
Phyllis Diller
Best Way
Way
Kitchen
" You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. "
Phyllis Diller
Shoes
Barefoot
Know
" I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "
Phyllis Diller
Grass
Fresh
Lady
" What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. "
Phyllis Diller
Looking
Job
Day
" The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. "
Phyllis Diller
Head
Real
Reason
" It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. "
Phyllis Diller
Good
Only
Beauty
" A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. "
Phyllis Diller
Song
Bad
End
" I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. "
Phyllis Diller
Eighteen
Behind
Ironing
" I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. "
Phyllis Diller
Drive
Admit
Miles
" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? "
Phyllis Diller
You
Chance
Funny