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All Quotes by author - Jenny Eclair

" After graduating from flares and platforms in the early 1970s, I started drama school wearing a pair of khaki dungarees with one of my Dad's Army shirts, accessorised by a cat's basket doubling as a handbag. Very Lady Gaga. "

" A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. "

" Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls. "

" As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking. "

" I admire the Elsie Tanners and Barbara Windsors of the world: people who have crawled back from the abyss. I'm quite camp in that respect. "

" I am best viewed from a distance. "

" I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off. "

" I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content. "

" I don't do marriage. I think it's incredibly naff. And I don't like vulgar displays of ostentation. "

" If I do go to the beach there have to be certain rules: it can't be a pebbly beach, there has to be some shade and there has to be a beach bar. I don't want to go off the beaten track. "

" I have a fear of poverty in old age. I have this vision of myself living in a skip and eating cat food. It's because I'm freelance, and I've never had a proper job. I don't have a pension, and my savings are dwindling. I always thought someone would just come along and look after me. "

" I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age. "

" I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid. "

" I might be needy, competitive and desperate but it's far better than being wet. "

" I'm the least spiritual person in the world. I can't even abide a smelly candle. I know it's meant to make me relax, and that immediately makes my hackles rise. "

" I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager. "

" I prefer highs and lows to an even keel. Moderation is never something I've been good at. "

" I think as time goes by you'll get female comics who are weirder - you'll get a female Mighty Boosh. "

" I think I might actually die of showing off. It'll be on my headstone - 'Cause of Death: Showing Off.' "

" I think my siblings sometimes have to defend me within their social circles - they are both barristers. "

" I've got this horrible feeling that I'm one of those people who'll always have to flog their guts out to get anywhere. "

" I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards. "

" Moderation is never something I've been good at. "

" My daughter has always had a strong sense of her own identity. From the day she was born her father and I were in love with and in awe of her and still are. "

" My older sister is bossy, my brother is a stirrer and me - well, I am perfect! "

" There should be more booing in shops and restaurants and places like that when when the service is bad. If you've had a poor breakfast in a hotel, you should put your knife and fork down and boo. "

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