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" Always tell the truth - it's the easiest thing to remember. "

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" Liberalism is a religion. Its tenets cannot be proved, its capacity for waste and destruction demonstrated. But it affords a feeling of spiritual rectitude at little or no cost. "

" In Chicago, we love our crooks! "

" I've always been fascinated by the picaresque. "

" I don't think there's any information to be gotten from television. "

" I look back on my liberal political beliefs with a sort of wonder - as another exercise in self-involvement - rewarding myself for some superiority I could not logically describe. "

" Conservatives believe in smaller government and in the power of the electorate. So I think that we're less likely to try to use a dramatic forum to warp people's political views. "

" I grew up in a tough neighborhood and we used to say you can get further with a kind word and a gun than just a kind word. "

" I was fortunate enough to have a rambling youth. "

" I look back upon my Liberal political beliefs with a sort of wonder - as another exercise in self-involvement - rewarding myself for some superiority I could not logically describe. "

" The so-called assault weapons ban is a hoax. It is a political appeal to the ignorant. The guns it supposedly banned have been illegal for 78 years. Did the ban make them 'more' illegal? The ban addresses only the appearance of weapons, not their operation. "

" My dad was an immigrant kid and a Democrat and a Jew, and we didn't know any Republicans in our group. So I grew up Democratic. My dad was a labor lawyer - a very hardworking guy, a one-horse labor lawyer - and then I went to hippie college and lived in the bubble. "

" Mixed martial arts was invented by Brazilians, whose families had been trained by the Japanese. Those Brazilians came to the U.S., where their invention was bought out, gussied up and presented to the world, which found it good. "

" I'm not an ascetic. "

" If, indeed, a firearm were more dangerous to its possessors than to potential aggressors, would it not make sense for the government to arm all criminals, and let them accidentally shoot themselves? Is this absurd? Yes, and yet the government, of course, is arming criminals. "

" People only speak to get something. "

" When the three branches of government have failed to represent the citizenry and the mass of the media has failed to represent the citizenry, then the citizenry better represent the citizenry. "

" I like Bach. I like Randy Newman. "

" My greatest fear is that the audience will beat me to the punch line. "

" It's hard for a Jew of my generation, an American Jew, who is philo-Zionistic, not to romanticize Israel. "

" Policemen so cherish their status as keepers of the peace and protectors of the public that they have occasionally been known to beat to death those citizens or groups who question that status. "

" The surprise is half the battle. Many things are half the battle, losing is half the battle. Let's think about what's the whole battle. "

" I always thought the real violence in Hollywood isn't what's on the screen. It's what you have to do to raise the money. "

" Obama is a tyrant the same way FDR was a tyrant. He has a view of presidential power that states: the government is in control of the country, and the president is in charge of the government. He's taken an imperial view of the presidency. "

" You get rich through luck. You get rich through crime. You get rich through fulfilling the needs of another. You can be as greedy as you like. If you can't do one of those three things, you ain't going to get any money. "

" There's no such thing as talent; you just have to work hard enough. "

" I'm afraid of only two things: being lazy and being cowardly. "

" I didn't knowingly meet a conservative until, to my shame, I was 60 years old and sat down and said, 'Wow, I don't understand what this guy's talking about, but he has a great civility about him. Perhaps I better investigate this thing.' "

" I'm not the guy to ask about politics. I'm a gag writer. "

" Art and mass entertainment and propaganda, they can all be plotted on the same graph, but there is a difference. "

" I love the British. "