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" America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks. "

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" Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. "

" Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. "

" If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner. "

" Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. "

" My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. "

" Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? "

" A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. "

" I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free. "

" The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good. "

" When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves. "

" The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time. "

" My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere. "

" You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float. "

" You can only be as good as you dare to be bad. "

" You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony. "

" I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom. "

" In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief. "

" I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning. "