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" Bits are fake conversations comedians have because they are uncomfortable being vulnerable with other human beings in any way. "

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" I feel like a lot of performers' worst shows happened in Philly. There's something about that town. "

" As a stand-up, as a storyteller, as an improviser, I've done thousands of shows. They allow me to work out new material that might turn into something later. They let me keep my muscles sharp for when the rent-paying gigs do come along. They keep me sane. "

" I will never forget what happened on August 14, 2003. I know the exact sequence of where I was for every moment of that evening. It was a tragic day, and it's burned into my memory. Many people might remember that date, vaguely, as the date of the infamous eastern seaboard blackout that plunged all of New York City into darkness. "

" Cops are everywhere in New York City. Cars drive by every few minutes. Uniforms stand nonchalantly at street corners. "

" I think Carmen Christopher is going to be massively huge. He's just too funny. He's got funny in his bones, and he wants to conquer every room. "

" Cops in New York City don't have the best reputation. It's a fast-paced city, and they deal with a lot, and many people have seen lots of cops interact with the public utilizing what can be gently called 'not the best customer service.' "

" I'm a dummy from New Jersey. "

" Anyone who lives in N.Y.C. will tell you that getting into a confrontation on a city street is a complete nightmare 100 percent of the time. "

" It's a fun uphill struggle, making health insurance as a comedian, actor, and author. But it's hard to explain to people how I make a living. In New York, most people know enough creative types that I make some sense. But when I'm talking to someone like my suburban cousins or my mom's friends, it doesn't always go smoothly. "

" I remember the people who mentored me, and I just love being able to do that for other people. "

" I think so often about how, when I was starting out at UCB, Conan O'Brien was in town, and on his show back then, they sometimes did character bits, and I started getting paid to dress up as a page or a Dutch boy on his show. "

" My sadness compels me to hide it so that people won't judge me. Seeking help would have blown my cover. Meanwhile, my mania convinces me that it's making me fun so I'll want to dive further into it. Seeking help would've ruined that good time. "

" No one in New York hangs out in their apartments. "

" Shows are my saving grace. In between actual jobs, the only thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that I can go up on stages. "

" I do not like confrontations in New York City. "

" When I really have it together, I think I successfully pull off looking like the exact middle point between Macklemore and Ron Howard, only with a much bigger forehead than either of them. "

" Anyone who's ever been around an emergency in Manhattan realizes that there are plainclothes officers on these streets walking past us more than we ever realize. "

" I'm not exactly Don Draper when it comes to physical attractiveness. "

" The UCB has long been known as a hub of the best comedy in New York City, but it's never been the most well organized or cared for place in the world. "

" I just really remember the feeling of being a younger comedian who was kind of an outlier for being experimental and weird and how that could feel lonely or hopeless. "

" In 2002, I was taking an improv class because, as a white male with glasses who was born between 1978 and 1994, it's legally required that I take at least one improv class in my life. "

" By August of 2003, I had graduated from Rutgers, gone through a stretch of living at my parents' house, and wound up sharing an apartment with a college friend of mine in Montclair, New Jersey. "

" I don't think I'm ugly per se, but on bad days, I have been told that I look like the monster from 'The Hills Have Eyes.' That was extremely confidence-shattering, so I try to take care of myself. "

" If you are dating someone in New York City, and they invite you over to watch a movie, they don't really want to watch a movie. "