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" Black beauty - he's a dark horse. "
Tim Vine
Black
He
Dark
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" I love acting, but it's all just a bonus. "
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Bonus
Acting
I Love
" Velcro: what a rip-off. "
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Velcro
Rip-Off
" Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. "
Tim Vine
Seconds
Trick
Out
" People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. "
Tim Vine
Looking
Busy
Like
" With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. "
Tim Vine
Confidence
Laugh
Need
" So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' "
Tim Vine
Said
Me
You
" I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. "
Tim Vine
Every Day
Coffee
Think
" I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. "
Tim Vine
Trying
Myself
Small
" So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. "
Tim Vine
Red
Up
Chinese
" As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing. "
Tim Vine
Get
Childlike
You
" So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' "
Tim Vine
You
Want
Up
" People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. "
Tim Vine
Funny
Me
People
" You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. "
Tim Vine
Driving
Me
Nice
" I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. "
Tim Vine
Sea
Meat
Day
" For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. "
Tim Vine
Real Life
Real
Pun
" I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues. "
Tim Vine
Play
Kind
Rock
" So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' "
Tim Vine
You
Me
Look
" You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. "
Tim Vine
Night
You
Fox
" My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. "
Tim Vine
Psychiatrist
DVD
Put
" Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. "
Tim Vine
Down
Back
Me
" If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. "
Tim Vine
You
Pun
" Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. "
Tim Vine
Comedy
Than
Talk
" I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. "
Tim Vine
Put
Reading
History
" So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' "
Tim Vine
Up
You
Local
" I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. "
Tim Vine
Date
Out
Know
" If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. "
Tim Vine
Well
Story
Narrative
" My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul. "
Tim Vine
House
You
Soul
" I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. "
Tim Vine
Tell
Again
Holiday
" So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' "
Tim Vine
Voice
You
Got
" One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it. "
Tim Vine
Like
You
See