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" I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. "
Tim Vine
Tell
Again
Holiday
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" So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' "
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" One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it. "
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" I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. "
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" So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. "
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" Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. "
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" You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. "
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" Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. "
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" So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' "
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" You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. "
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" With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. "
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" For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. "
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" Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. "
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" People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. "
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