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" Elisabeth Hasselbeck could run for vice president. "

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" Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about. "

Beautiful Woman

" I don't profess to be an expert on anything, or have the memory for who ran in 1952. I am an informed American citizen, that's my position. "

" I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food. "

" You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits! "

" I am comfortable with myself, and this is how I am. I am not really interested in having an acrimonious fight with somebody. "

" I read the 'New York Times', I read 'The Nation', I read 'Newsweek', I read 'Time Magazine', I read 'Politico', I read 'Mediaite'. This is what I do! I read every day, I have interests, I'm like everybody out there who's watching, who's out there watching, you know? "

" I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos. "

" You reach a point when you say to yourself, 'Do I want to keep doing this?' There are other things on my plate I want to do - I've been writing a play; I've been neglecting my standup. "

" I'm interested in so many different things and I'd like to cover a lot of territory. I'm trying to see my show as the Sunday 'Times.' You have the Arts & Leisure section, you have the Op-Ed page, you have the Book Review... even the Style section has those wonderful essays about relationships. "

" I don't want to do just a liberal show. "

" I interviewed Ann Coulter when I was sitting in for Larry King a couple of times, and we have a rapport. I like to talk to her. "

" I do like talk shows. I'm interested in talking to people. "

" Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria. "

" I think it's interesting to me to talk to people who don't agree with me all the time. "

" The Republicans do not have feeling for people who are in bad shape. "

" I think looks do matter on television. "

" I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way. "

" Have four things going. I have stand-up comedy, two television shows and I'm working on a play. I like to work, and I fear that something could fall through. You know what they say: 'The show must go off.' "

" I want a man in my life, not in my house. "

" You can see a lot of politics on a lot of different channels. I'm not interested, really, in talking in some wonky conversation about politics, though. It's not my speed. I'm not interested in the ins and outs of health care. "

" I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe. "

" I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point? "

" I love a Dustbuster. You go around, pick up little crumbs, and everything is nice again. "

" When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone. "