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" I don't profess to be an expert on anything, or have the memory for who ran in 1952. I am an informed American citizen, that's my position. "

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" Have four things going. I have stand-up comedy, two television shows and I'm working on a play. I like to work, and I fear that something could fall through. You know what they say: 'The show must go off.' "

" I love a Dustbuster. You go around, pick up little crumbs, and everything is nice again. "

" I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way. "

" The Republicans do not have feeling for people who are in bad shape. "

" Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about. "

Beautiful Woman

" I do like talk shows. I'm interested in talking to people. "

" I don't want to do just a liberal show. "

" I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point? "

" I interviewed Ann Coulter when I was sitting in for Larry King a couple of times, and we have a rapport. I like to talk to her. "

" Elisabeth Hasselbeck could run for vice president. "

" I want a man in my life, not in my house. "

" I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe. "

" I read the 'New York Times', I read 'The Nation', I read 'Newsweek', I read 'Time Magazine', I read 'Politico', I read 'Mediaite'. This is what I do! I read every day, I have interests, I'm like everybody out there who's watching, who's out there watching, you know? "

" I think it's interesting to me to talk to people who don't agree with me all the time. "

" You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits! "

" It's a completely useless emotion - jealousy. I don't go there. "

" I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos. "

" Never eat at a Chinese restaurant named Mama Teresa's Trattoria. "

" You reach a point when you say to yourself, 'Do I want to keep doing this?' There are other things on my plate I want to do - I've been writing a play; I've been neglecting my standup. "

" I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food. "

" I think looks do matter on television. "

" I am comfortable with myself, and this is how I am. I am not really interested in having an acrimonious fight with somebody. "

" I'm interested in so many different things and I'd like to cover a lot of territory. I'm trying to see my show as the Sunday 'Times.' You have the Arts & Leisure section, you have the Op-Ed page, you have the Book Review... even the Style section has those wonderful essays about relationships. "

" When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone. "