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" Getting a tattoo would probably make me cry. "

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" With humor, it's so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy. "

" What campaigns are for is weeding out the people who, for one way or another, weren't making it for the long haul. "

" I'm more disturbed when people expect me to be serious. "

" I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally. "

" Health food makes me sick. "

" The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt. "

" What interests me is what you might call vernacular writing, writing that connects you to a place. "

" I don't mind being interviewed on television or radio. "

" I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of. "

" I've written three books you could think of as memoirs. "

" As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler. "

" There's always a source for humor. "

" The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. "

" I do remember in high school I wanted to be a disc jockey. "

" I don't cook. I don't know anything about food. I've never reviewed a restaurant. "

" The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment, is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression? "

" Being on a book tour is a lot easier than reporting. "

" People, not just reporters, are more interested in politics than in government, so the actual issues wouldn't be something that interested them. "

" The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out. "

" When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere. "

" When you're writing, you are robbed of your delivery. "

" We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page. "

" When it comes to rapacious 19th century capitalism, my family's hands are clean. "

" I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still. "