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" I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?' "
" When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. "
" I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology. "
" No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning. "
" I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up. "
" When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. "
" I'm a late-night guy. "
" In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. "
" I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more. "
" I get so into the moment. "
" My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor. "
" Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show. "
" I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny. "
" Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh. "
Make Me Laugh
" When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top. "
" I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. "
" That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it. "
" I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies. "
" I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup. "
" I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy. "
" I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian. "
" I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself. "
" Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there. "
" If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny. "
" Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot! "