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" I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep. "

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" All I know is just how to make people laugh. "

" A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly. "

" If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it. "

" It's the one with that panel of ultra-chichi folks. The one called 'What's My Line?' It sends me straight up the wall. I call it 'The Snob Family.' "

" We had friendly and pleasant relationships with all that worked in our films - many happy memories. "

" Babe and I are both great television fans, and we've been planning to do something on TV. But we certainly never intended to start out on an unrehearsed network show! "

" My only opinion on the L&H 'home movie' situation - I regret we have no financial interest in them. "

" We did have a script, but it didn't consist of the routines and gags. It outlined the basic story idea and just a plan for us to follow. But when it came to each scene, we and the gagmen would work out ideas. "

" I don't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with Charles Chaplin. "

" Another fine mess you've gotten me into. "

" Anyone who thinks 'Modern Times' has got a big message is just putting it there himself. Charlie knew that the pressures of modern life and factory life would be good for a lot of laughs, and that's why he did the film - not because he wanted to diagnose the industrial revolution. "

" What business do we have telling people who to vote for? They probably know more about it than we do. "

" Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth. "

" Personally, I think the silent films were more effective for L&H, but the sound was of great value in enhancing the effects - dialog eliminated a lot of action & sight gags - I always feel that 'action' speaks louder than words. "

" You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led. "

" If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again! "

" We never dealt with satire or suggestive material. Although some of our films were broad parodies or burlesques of popular dramatic themes, there was no conscious attempt at being either sarcastic or offensive. "