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" I think my parents wanted me to be whatever I wanted to be. But I do remember them - when I first moved out to L.A. - sending me applications to grad school for teaching. "

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" The element of surprise - where you think you know where a joke is going, and then you're wrong. Those are my favorite kind of jokes. "

" Most of my friends who got shows right away are still just doing shows, and they have no need to create. "

" I might have lost an acquaintance because of 'Pregnant Women Are Smug.' But we weren't close. Actually, I don't know if the woman knows the song is about her. I have a feeling she might. "

" Recording is just a lengthy process, so to have to record before every professional video, that's where a real time drain comes in. "

" Beige curtains... there's nothing wrong with them. You're not like, 'Ew, gross! Beige curtains!' You just don't notice them either way. They're just, like, fine. "

" That's the dating world. You just keep losing. Everyone does. "

" Rich people are so eccentric, and I don't think people really realize. Especially by the turn of the century, they were living like rappers, and there was no income tax. They are some of the most fascinating people, and I am endlessly fascinated. "

" I worked at a McDonald's inside a Walmart. It wasn't even a real McDonald's. "

" It's more fun to write stuff when you know someone's going to nail it. "

" The biggest trap that all performers and writers find is that when something really crazy, really bad happens, your mind immediately goes to, 'Can I write about this?' - which is good and bad. "

" It's great to get to make something in your own voice. "

" If you believe in what you're doing, you should just do it. You'll keep getting better. "

" I feel like I'd be good at 'Password.' Or 'Pyramid.' "

" There's conflict in every story. "

" The only autograph I ever got, which I do not have anymore, was Matthew Fox when he was on 'Party Of Five.' I was in high school, and he came to our local amusement park, and I stood in line and got an autograph. "

" If you text someone, and you just get an emoticon back, it's over. "

" If you're trying to be an actor, sometimes you get lucky, and you end up on 'The Office', but if you don't, and you know that you have something to say, it's really, really fortunate to be able to get to write and star in your own comedy. "

" It's really hard to name a band. "

" Sometimes I find myself in this super-raw place onstage where I'm like, 'Maybe that's not the best thing. Maybe I need to shut down a little.' "