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" I was raised Catholic in the Midwest, so I can't enjoy anything. "

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" When I lived in Chicago, I didn't like it. It's nice to visit. "

" I think the problems with comedians that are political, and there are some brilliant ones, are the ones that offer no solutions. Not that there's a moral obligation for a comic to fix things, but I like to see a comic that's upset about something and offer a solution. It can be a funny solution. I like to see the thought process. "

" I think I told my parents I wanted to be a writer, just so they'd kind of think I had some direction in life. It made it easier to pick out classes at college, like, 'Oh, this is writing classes, that's what I'm doing.' "

" I like to challenge myself not to be negative, because it's easy to take comedy to a negative place and criticize the outside world. Trying to praise something through comedy or be appreciative and making jokes about it is more challenging than cutting things down. "

" I'm glad I'm a comedian. Otherwise, my life would just be a series of undocumented low points. "

" I still love a well-crafted joke. Twitter's been great for that. "

" I am somehow allowed by the universe to do exactly what I want to do to make a living. "

" The time that I have on this earth should just be filled with good times. "

" I now get to have the life I wanted when I was 18 years old. Now, I'm like, 'I can buy any skateboard I want.' "

" My theory on politics is no one really knows how it works, so I choose not to comment on stuff too outside of my league. "

" I know what I like, and I'm not trying to adapt to new things. "

" The category I come closest to is 'lumberjack hipster.' "

" The exciting part about life is finding out what you can't do, because you don't find out until you try to do something and you're stopped. "

" Young writers take themselves very seriously in college. "

" Sometimes I realize halfway through a story, I'm like, 'Why would anyone care about this? It's uninteresting.' "

" Sometimes your dreams come true, and it's a real drag. "

" I try to stay away from calling people nerds or whatever, because I've got my own fetishes and interests. "

" In 2007, I had on-paper success. I got to go to that Aspen comedy festival, which was pretty exclusive, I guess. Then I did Carson Daly. That was enough validation. "

" I'm hardly a known name, but I don't want to go, like, 'Oh, people call me a storyteller comedian, let me just go up and just talk about my day.' I don't want that to happen. "

" Nobody mountain bikes anymore - or ever did - in comedy, so I have to go by myself. "