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" I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' "

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" The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. "

" For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! "

" Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue. "

" My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic? "

" CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. "

" Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. "

" The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most. "

" Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. "

" Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? "

" I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder. "

" Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. "

" According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it. "

" If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. "

" The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. "

" You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that. "

" Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. "

" More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own. "

" Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers. "

" In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. "

" Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate. "

" Politics is just show business for ugly people. "

" If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. "

" Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. "

" I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. "