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" My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic? "

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" Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. "

" The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. "

" According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it. "

" I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. "

" I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder. "

" Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? "

" If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. "

" Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. "

" Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. "

" If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. "

" For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! "

" The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. "

" The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most. "

" You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that. "

" Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. "

" CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. "

" Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. "

" Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue. "

" In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. "

" Politics is just show business for ugly people. "

" The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. "

" Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate. "

" I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' "

" Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers. "